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Jokes

  • Is it possible to recover from Margarine Fondling Syndrome?

    My cousin Jeff had it, said he’s feeling butter now.

  • What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

    Beat it. We’re closed.

  • A measuring cup got sent to prison

    He was found guilty in the quart of law for litering

  • A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost.

    It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he couldforage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vinescovering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in thearea. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someoneis home.He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost downto the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?”The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks

  • A man walks into a grocery store.

    A man walks into a grocery store. After getting all his groceries, he sees something interesting at the check-out counter. Not knowing what it is, he asks a worker. The worker replies, “Why, that’s a thermos! It keeps your hot stuff hot, and your cold stuff cold!” Intrigued, the man decides to buy it. He picks out a lovely blue one and plops it down on the check-out conveyer belt. The worker assured him that he will like his purchase, and the man agrees. After all, he often has hot stuff he would like to keep hot and cold stuff he would like to stay cold, who doesn’t? The man promptly leaves the grocery store, and the worker forgets all about the experience. He knew it was a great thermos and was sure the man would enjoy it. However, a few days later the same man storms in. He looks extremely angry and demands to see the worker who sold him the thermos. Upon seeing the worker, the man opens his thermos and flings its contents at him. The worker, now sticky and covered with popsicle sticks, is very confused. He asks the man, “What is this about? Why did you do that?” The man replies, “You lied about the thermos! It doesn’t work at all!” The worker, knowing that the thermos does work and is extremely high quality, asks, “What do you mean? How did it not work?” The man replies, “Well you said that it keeps the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold, right? Well then explain to me why when I got to work my coffee was lukewarm and my ice cream bars were gone!”My Pakistani uncle told me this joke and it made me laugh. Hopefully you guys can get a kick out of it as well.

  • People really need to appreciate sidewalks more

    Who else kept you off the streets growing up?

  • Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

    Because of the vacuum.

  • Why is there no toilet paper at KFC

    Because it’s finger likin good

  • Why are guitarist good with women?

    We know are way around a G String.

  • Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

    The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.They are the prime apes.