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start

I’m about to start my work, but first let me disamble my stapler and name and polish every part.

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not in a mood

I had to laugh last night when my boyfriend said he wasn’t in the mood for sex.

As if it’s an option.

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wondering

Sometimes I stay awake wondering if there’s a number between 1 and 10 that thinks of me too.

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dictionary

I’m going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don’t understand the meaning of Final.

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battery

My next door neighbors Smart car’s battery died…

I had to give him a jumpstart from my iPod.

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distraction

Cell phones are a distraction while driving.
Says cops with radios, dash cams, laptops, cell phones, radars and donuts.

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BBC news

“Welshman saves sheep by giving it the kiss of life”
….Thats the exact same thing I would have said to someone if I got caught getting it on with a sheep.

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guess

They call me Mr. Rhetorical. Can you guess why?

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page six

I couldn’t buy perfume this week so I rubbed a magazine on my shirt. When people ask ” What’s that heavenly smell?”

I say “Page six.”

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I always knew

I always knew you’d hurt me. I knew you’d break my heart and just walk away.
Who the fuck steals someone’s beer!?