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autocorect

My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”

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you do now

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window.”
He said, “We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window.”
I said, “You do now.”

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unrealistic

Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house…

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what a…

GIRLS put makeup, lots of creams , sexy perfumes & they make the best hairstyle EVER.

. . Finally guys look at them and say: . . “Man, look at her ass!”

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characters

I was over my blonde friend’s house and asked for her Wi-Fi password.
She replied, “Mickey Goofy Pluto Daisy Cinderella Shrek Donkey Fiona Washington D.C.”
When I asked why she had such a long password, she replied, “I was told it had to have at least eight characters and one capital.”

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scam

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

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don’t change the subject

Charles came home at four in the morning and found his wife lying awake in the bed. “Where you until this hour of the morning?” She screamed.

Ignoring what she asked, Charles opened his bedroom closet and found a naked man cringing on the floor.

Chareles asked, “Who is this man?”

“Don’t change the subject!” replied his wife.

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SUM

Little Johnny was doing math homework.
He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” Little Johnny answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mum.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” his mother asked “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughting, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

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our sofa

I walked in today and my wife slammed the laptop down on the table and said, “There’s pictures of naked women on the laptop, what have I told you about going on porn sites?”……

“I haven’t been on porn sites,” I replied, pointing at the screen. “Look, she’s laying on our sofa.”

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idiot

little johnny’s parents went away for the weekend and left him at the neighbor’s house. when it was time for bed Mrs. Williams told him to sleep upstairs and share a bed with baby. He says, “no its fine I don’t wanna sleep with a baby, I’ll sleep on the couch downstairs.” The next morning a very sexy young girl comes downstairs and Johnny says, “who are you?!” she says, “I’m Baby. Who are you?” Johnny says, “A fucking idiot.”