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Jokes

  • A texas woman chokes on some food.

    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’ The woman shakes her head no.Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

  • What is your superpower?

    -what is your superpower? •”Hindsight” -That wouldn’t help much •”yes, I see that now”

  • It’s the most wonderful time of the year

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  • What is better than a woman?

    -It is 2 woman (Slightly hearable lesbian porn sounds.)

  • Carbon monoxide from dryer

    So dryers emit a lot of carbon monoxide, right? What if I were to capture some of that in a garbage bag and tie it over my head? I heard that carbon monoxide lets you go quietly, maybe that would dull my survival instinct enough to see Jesus? Or would it be impossible to capture enough CO to do the deed?

  • Trump

    Odds of the British press IQ puzzle Donald Trump came to London, and met Queen Elizabeth. Trump asked the queen saying, “Your Majesty, I find it much more difficult in political matters than I had imagined, may I ask you how you can operate such an effective government? Are there any tips that you can give me?” Well, Her Majesty answered, “The important thing is to surround yourself with smart people.” Trump answers and asks (angry): “But how do I know that the people around me are really smart?” Oh, that’s easy. The Queen replied, “You just ask them to answer a puzzle!” And the queen pressed the call button: “Please send Theresa May here.” The British Prime Minister entered the room, saying, “Do you invite me, Your Majesty?” The Queen said: “I ask you to answer me this question, my dear Teresa; your mother and father have a child, not your brother and not your sister who is?” And second, Theresa May replied, “That’s me!” “Yes, very good,” the queen said. Trump returned to the White House, and the next day he invited Mike Pence to come to see him. Pence Balfour came to the Oval Office. Donald said: “Mike, answer me this question if you allow; your mom and dad have a child, not your brother and not your sister who is?” “I’m not sure,” Pence said. “Let me get back to you about that.” Pence went terrified to his advisers and asked them all, but none of them managed to give him an answer. The next night, Pence rushed to Hillary Clinton and they met in a restaurant. He looked at her desperately, saying: “Hillary, I know we haven’t met face-to-face before, but I really appreciate you, if only you could answer this puzzle!” “Absolutely, Mike,” Hillary said. “what is the Question?” “Thank you,” Pence said. “The question is: your mother and father have a child, not your brother and not your sister. Who?” Hillary just answered, “Easy, it’s me!”

  • 16 year old Trump just had sex

    Young Trump: Dad, dad! I just had sex for the first time!Trump senior: thats great my son, you are a winner! Come, sit and tell me all about it.Young Trump: I cant, my ASS hurts!

  • I made a roulette, its about the amount my parents are going to give their godchildren, I decided to tweak it a bit

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  • A man with window cleaning gear knocks at the door.

    An elderly woman opens.”Did you order window cleaning service?””Yes. Come on in!”A few minutes later a man with window cleaning gear knocks at the door.”Good morning young man. Did you come to clean my windows?””Yes””That is very kind of you but your colleague is already here.””No that’s me. I fell out of the window.”

  • To all the new trainers trying to be the very best,

    I’ve been playing competitive Pokemon for a long time, primarily doubles and VGC, and would like to offer advice for new players. Whether you are brand new and need explaining of basics or are fairly experienced and need team building and usage tips, I gotchu. I’m on a winter break and have a discord I use for coaching and will be checking it everyday. I’ll put a link here to my discord, go ahead and join, say hi, and ask anything you want to know about Pokemon!https://discord.gg/TWKC2vIf anything goes wrong with the link, feel free to either DM me or use the permanent link in my stream bio at twitch.tv/dublescoop. No need to follow, but they are much appreciated and I do coach Showdown ladder on there.