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our sofa

I walked in today and my wife slammed the laptop down on the table and said, “There’s pictures of naked women on the laptop, what have I told you about going on porn sites?”……

“I haven’t been on porn sites,” I replied, pointing at the screen. “Look, she’s laying on our sofa.”

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idiot

little johnny’s parents went away for the weekend and left him at the neighbor’s house. when it was time for bed Mrs. Williams told him to sleep upstairs and share a bed with baby. He says, “no its fine I don’t wanna sleep with a baby, I’ll sleep on the couch downstairs.” The next morning a very sexy young girl comes downstairs and Johnny says, “who are you?!” she says, “I’m Baby. Who are you?” Johnny says, “A fucking idiot.”

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fact

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?
That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium…

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tip

Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges hate that.

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conclusion

How do we know that Cinderella was written by a women?

Because if it was written by a guy the prince would have fucked her till 12 then she would have turned into a pizza.

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home

I’ve never understood why guys go to strip clubs. If I wanted someone to flash their tits, come on to me, take my money, then refuse to fuck me I would go home to my wife.

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except

I just explained Google images to my mum.
‘Pick anything to search for’, I said. She replied ‘What about a nice cream pie?’.
‘Except that.’ I said.

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clinomania

Teacher: “Why were you absent yesterday? Were you sick?”
Me: “Yeah, i was sick with Clinomania.”
Teacher: ” Oh, okay. Excused.”
Clinomania:(n) excessive desire to stay in bed.

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Wow, it’s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen

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so hard

Mom: “Shouldn’t you be cleaning your room?”
Me: “Shouldn’t you be in the Kitchen?”
I’ve never been hit so hard.