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before

I have to exercise real early in the morning.
Before my brain has a chance to figure out what I’m doing.

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scanning

I just sneezed then my laptop said ‘Scanning for viruses’. WTF

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Monday

It’s Sunday today, and if you are listening really carefully, you can hear how Monday is sharpening it’s claws.

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lipstick

My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I told her straight up that I was cheating on her………..there was no way I was gonna tell her that I sell AVON!

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magnet

We call her magnet because she attractive from the back and repulsive from the front.

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snail

A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself.
Or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.

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they forgot my diet coke

diet-coke

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i`m much more interesting on the internet

more-interesting

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tha last night i…

The best moments in life are the ones you can’t put on Facebook

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bad man

I’m atheist… But I still want the people I hate to burn in hell.