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pills

My wife said “get some of those pills that help you get an erection”,
should have seen her face when I tossed her the diet pills.

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question

How did Jesus find guys named Peter, John, James, Thomas and Simon in the Middle East?

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temporary

I don’t think they should put “out of order” signs on escalators when they’re broken. Instead they should have a sign that says “temporarily stairs.”

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with knive

When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date…

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chuck

when Britney spears sang “Hit me baby one more time” she wasn’t talking to chuck norris cause if chuck Norris hits someone there isn’t another time!

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weird

Giving a girl flowers is weird…
“here, I killed these for you… I saw them, and, they reminded me of you so… I killed them. You should put them in water if you want them to… die slower”

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numbers

Husband: Honey, how many men have you slept with?
Wife: 30….
Husband: I wish you’d have been a virgin when I married you.
Wife: I was.

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I am

Immature. A word used by boring people to describe fun people.

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ATM asks

ATM asks if I want to donate to charity. Sure! Donate my transaction fee.

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sense

It would just make a lot more sense if the devil was a woman.