What do you call someone who identifies a disease by reading…
What do you call someone who identifies a disease by reading about symptoms on Google? Google Doc
thefun
How do know you are ugly?
How do know you are ugly? Your dog keeps its eyes closed whilst humping your leg
every morning
So one blood cell says “Good morning” Other blood cell says “Hey, wanna go to the dick?”
I was searching Google Images for Rorschach tests.
I was searching Google Images for Rorschach tests. But all I found were pictures of my parents fighting.
Same thing at the cemetery
I love living near a university. The women never get older.
Wankers of the world, unite!
What do you call two communists who masturbate together? Cum-rades!
Went to a Bush Lovers convention and found out that they were…
went to a Bush Lovers convention and found out that they were talking about the band
OK, Google?
Google Maps should really think about adding a “Closest place to have a piss” option.
What is a socialist’s favourite hotel?
What is a socialist’s favourite hotel? Sheraton (Share a ton)
won`t be able
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn’t had a customer in a while, so… Read More »won`t be able
good news
Putin went to see his most trusted advisor, who happened to be his personal physician. The doctor said, “I have good news and bad news.… Read More »good news
Sit in the corner and lick your eyebrows
How to make lesbians like you? Don’t be a dick.
Too high
An elderly man went in to see his doctor. The doctor asked “What brings you in today?” The elderly man responds “My sex life is… Read More »Too high
One thing my dad told me, he said, “Son, never explain yourself…
One thing my dad told me, he said, “Son, never explain yourself to anyone.” He never did tell me why.
Only 5 reasons
Women get mad for 5 reasons: 1.) For everything. 2.) For nothing. 3.) Because yes. 4.) Because no. 5.) Just in case.
My wife and I started role playing in the bedroom.
My wife and I started role playing in the bedroom. Her favourite is, “Sexy Librarian”, where I have to sit quietly while she reads a… Read More »My wife and I started role playing in the bedroom.
Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?
Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker? Have you tried turning them off, then on again?
THAT’S what you guys call missionary?
Weird. Missionary’s what I call it when I don’t let him come inside.
Only two beers
Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home, one says to the other, go up to my house for the last drink… They enter… Read More »Only two beers
No red ink
Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother… Read More »No red ink
Intelligence
Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?” Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”
Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader,…
Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, “Vladimir Putin… dead.”
Lists
My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given… Read More »Lists
Good idea
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.” “Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that… Read More »Good idea
What’s the opposite of an Aphrodisiac?
What’s the opposite of an Aphrodisiac? Wedding cake
Painful
Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts. Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the… Read More »Painful
kill all the jokes
Three Russian generals walk into a bar. No wait, two Russian generals walk into a bar. ….one? Zero? Ukrainian bartender: “Fucking snipers, they kill all… Read More »kill all the jokes
cheap flights
The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer. I said “looking for cheap flights.”She got very excited and said “I love you,”… Read More »cheap flights
tulips
my girlfriend says her pussy’s like a rose But I think it looks more like tulips
“Have you ever taken it in the other hole?” “No way, that would…
“Have you ever taken it in the other hole?” “No way, that would get me pregnant!”