Jokes

Alcohol….

Because, sometimes you need a warm hug from inside.

???

Quarantining alone . ..
i set the table. , lit candles. turned down the lights , put soft music on… made 2 meals. ate Both

Her mother smiles and answers: A long time ago your dad and I planted some seeds. Your dad pushed them in the ground and I took care of them every day.After a some time a wonderful and healthy plant grew out of the seeds. Well then we dried it, smoked it, got super high and didn’t use a condom.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ” Hello ?”Is your daddy home?” he asked ” Yes ,”whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?”The child whispered, ” No .”Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” ” Yes .””May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No .”Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”” Yes ,”whispered the child, ” a policeman “.Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child.”Busy doing what?”” Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered answer.Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice.”What ! is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed a helicopter .”Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…” ME!.”

buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, ” You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up and says, “Shhhhhh! They are about to land!”

Oh geez, this joke (above) is hysterical!I’m Australian. Years ago I visited Glasgow alone. I walked into a restaurant that night. The lady at the front desk said something to me. It was unintelligible but I assumed it was something like, “Hi. How are you?” So, smiling, I answered, “Oh I’m fine thanks.”She looked at me in utter befuddlement.My brain went back to what she’d said and tried to decipher her vocal Sanskrit. And then, with my powers of sorcery, I divined it!”Hi. Can I help you?No wonder “I’m fine” had elicited such a confused response. Apparently I had just walked in to sit at the bar and eat the complimentary peanuts.”Table for one, please.”

The bartender replies “Free”.The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender “Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?”The Bartender replies “Free”.The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place”.The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife”.The guy looks all confused, then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?”The bartender then says “The same thing I’m doing to his business”.

>>One Finnish soldier is better

in Joke of the Day
The Soviet army is marching in Finland. They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, “one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers.”
The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, “one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers.”
The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, “one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers.”
The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, “do not send more troops, it’s a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers.”
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Easter is only a couple of days away, I need to hurry up and decide if I’m going to spend it in the living room, or the bedroom.

I’ll bet in the future y’all are going to have 2nd thoughts before saying “I hope this weekend lasts forever”.