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Jokes

  • JOKESTER

    Washed a load of pajamas so
    I would have clean work clothes this week.

  • Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…

    They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump.Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers.The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through.The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice.The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid?The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”

  • JOKESTER

    I don’t think anyone expected when we changed the clocks, that we’d go from Standard Time to the fucking Twilight Zone

  • Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

    They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.

  • How about an Indian joke?

    A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts “Is there a doctor here?”

    A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: “I am. What is the problem?”

    She replies: “Do you want to meet my daughter?”

  • I’m kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

    Yeah, I gave ’em my too weak notice

  • I have a friend who circumsises elephants.

    It doesn’t pay much, but the tips are huge!

  • A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be fivedollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters ontothe floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and servesthe beer.

    The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.The next day, again.On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells “here’s your change asshole!”The guy looks down at the coins and says: “I’ll have another beer, please.”

  • A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won thelottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”

    I told my husband this joke and he said, “If I won the lottery, I’d give you the world, mi vida,” and gave me a big bear hug.

    “Awww. I love you amor.” I said.

    Then he playfully shoved me away and said, “And I’d move to Mars.” LMAO. He’s such a douche.

  • What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?

    Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.