Jokes

The Italian said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes.” The Frenchman said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.” The Aussie said: That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.” The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, “Two full hours?….. Wow! that’s unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?” The Aussie replied, “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

>>Boy wants to start dating a girl
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to start dating this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and this girl I’m dating is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t be dating any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”
“““““
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The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.“Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”

Wife: “I’ve heard, men start to go deaf, if he takes Viagra often.”

Husband: “Who the fuck is Jeff and why is he taking you to Niagra?

I must admit, I really miss being at work and bitching about not wanting to be at work.

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.The specialist in submersibles has gone under.A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.A tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.The local bakers has run out of dough.The clock manufacturer has had to wind down.The shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot.The local computer repair shop is suffering from virus issues.The Undertaker lost the plot.The tyre shop business went flat.The fencing contractor got posted out of town.And the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next door neighbor….