Jokes

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.She asked, ‘What size condoms?’The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ‘One box of large condoms, Register 5.’The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ‘One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.’A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said…’Cleanup, Register 5’

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you’re doing.” At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. “What went wrong?” The blonde said, “At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off.”

Well, it was an immediate hit.They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.Their first night there, she undressed as he did.There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”She replied “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: “Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!”. Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: “That’s nothing, our Russian submarines can stay under water for a whole year, without resurfacing a single time!”. They turn to Merkel, who did not bring a submarine that day “What about you, Angela?”.Suddenly, the water starts to bubble and slowly an ancient-looking submarine emerges from below the surface. The hatch opens, and a really old man with a long white beard comes out wearing a ragged-looking uniform, raises his right hand and shouts: “HEIL HITLER, WE’VE RUN OUT OF ZE DIESEL!”

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.”See that little kid over there? That’s where.”The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.”See that man over there? That’s the guy I got it from.”The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn’t take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.”See that wall over there?”They nod.”Well, I didn’t.”

“Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.He touches his wife shoulder and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time, before I die.”She says, “Of course, dear.” and they make love for the third time.After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses.”Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…”At this point, the wife sits up and screams, “Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!”

in Joke of the Day
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream with passion, non stop for five minutes.”
The Frenchman said: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream with passion for fifteen minutes straight.”
The Aussie said: That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”
The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, “Two full hours?….. Wow! that’s unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?” The Aussie replied, “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”
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Most bars in the world are closed right now

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, ‘Do you know what I miss most of all?’She asks, ‘What?”Sex!!’ he replies Mildred exclaims, ‘Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”I know,’ Harold says, ‘but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.’‘Well, I can oblige,’ says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!Furious, Mildred yelled, ‘You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?’Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ‘Parkinson’s.’