Jokes

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. “You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non- medical advice?”
“Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! ”
“Are you religious? the doctor asks.
“Not at all,” says the patient.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!”
“No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest fucking 6 months you’ve ever had.”
“““““
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There was a story being told around in the early 2000s, when there was a lot of hysteria about harmful radiation from cellphones.Apparently, some people got agitated over a new cellular base station tower built on top of their apartment building. They petitioned the municipality, brought documents from hospitals, saying: “This thing is making us sick! We have headaches, skin diseases and, one guy even got cancer!”. At some point they came with a protest to the cell company office, and the only guy around was the on-call engineer. So they turned to him yelling about cancer and headaches and the rest, and he scratched his belly and said “Awful, truly awful. Imagine what will happen when we turn it on”.

>>Doctor and Engineer in chocolate store

in Joke of the Day
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store. While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that”
Engineer replied: “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing”
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: “Do you wanna see magic..?”
The Shop boy replied: “Yes..!!!”
Engineer said: “Give me one chocolate bar!”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too…
The shop boy asked: “But where’s the magic..?”
Engineer replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them..!!!”
“““““
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A man’s making love to his wife. He asks her
“Can you moan to get me more excited?”
She says “the taps dripping, you ain’t paid the bills…
and your breath stinks”

l got bored staying in with this lockdown, so for something to do l measured my dick…. now l’m bored & depressed.

Einstein says,”Let’s play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500″. The man agrees and the game proceeds.Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”The man doesn’t say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500.An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”.The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said “Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don’t step on a duck.” The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, “Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity.” The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, “Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity.” Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn’t step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, “Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity.” The guy happily says, “Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!” And the woman says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

Dad: One day you’ll grow up to be a man.
Son: I’m 23.
Dad: Yes, but you use Tik Tok.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?””Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”