Jokes

>>Yoda and Luke Star Wars Joke
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master.” Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
“““““
Loco Domains has .site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99.
VN:F [1.9.7_1111]

>>85-year-old physical exam
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow.”The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
“We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

What’s the opposite of a stand up comedy?

A sitcom.

???

Break up’s are the hardest in China……

You see her face everywhere.

??????

“Mommy, am I adopted?”
“Not yet Honey. I only placed the ad yesterday”.

Half of relationships end because of bad sex .Mine however ended because of good sex… With another Woman.

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.
The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man happily announces as he approaches.
The bartender thinks, “This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard last night.”
He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, “What, no drink for ME tonight?”
The drunk looks at him and says, “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”
“““““
Loco Domains has .site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99.
VN:F [1.9.7_1111]

“You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non- medical advice?””Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! “”Are you religious? the doctor asks.”Not at all,” says the patient.”Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!””No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest fucking 6 months you’ve ever had.”

The NFL is considering a season without fans in the stadiums…

They plan on reaching out to the Cincinnati Bengals for advice.

I must admit, I really miss being at work and bitching about not wanting to be at work.