Wal- Matt

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.She asked, ‘What size condoms?’The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ‘One box of large condoms, Register 5.’The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ‘One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.’A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said…’Cleanup, Register 5’

You know those movies when the guy pushes stuff off the table, thrusts a girl on it, and fucks her? I just did that, but with a pizza..

October 19

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Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

October 17

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On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead. Me: That’s why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

October 17

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False alarm

I’m devastated. I just had a look at my doctor’s notes and he’s written that after my accident, I’ll never be able to wank again. Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole “doctors have bad handwriting” cliche. It’s meant to say walk. What a relief!

October 16

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Friends are like boobs some are real some are fake

October 16

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Give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you can sleep with his wife while he’s fishing.

October 14

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Sex is like golf, Playing every hole is the goal.

October 13

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I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

October 8

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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, […]

October 8

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my mate asked “what’s the secret to your happy marriage?” I replied.. “Chemistry… I’m on valium and the hubby’s on Prozac”

October 7

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