@Spoon

Alcohol: Post it, it’s fuckin hilarious.
Sobriety: WTF?…I’m never drinking again.

@Nutty squirrel

I have only one word for women that want to treat me like a sex object…

Hey

@Jeep

I’m never really sure if I have free time, or if I’m just forgetting all the shit I’m supposed to be doing.

@Funny face

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis…..LADDER! I mean ladder!!

@Jeep

Don’t hate me because I’m handsome, stick around, I’ll give you plenty of other legitimate reasons.

@Mo

The “Skip intro” button on Netflix is so cool….

…. I wish Tinder had it too.

🍓🍒🍎

@Waka waka

Friend: Treat her like you’d treat your mother

*later on date*

Me: Can I have $10

@Jeep

I found out today that a stress ball isn’t for throwing at coworkers who stress you out… Who knew…

@Jeep

Some women don’t like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the factory setting.

@Nutty squirrel

At a recent job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said I didn’t know all the words, but I was pretty good at Bohemian Rhapsody.