Doctor : at first glance it appears that you have a gunshot wound to the chest, but we’ll have to run a Covid test to be sure…

I exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what the hell I’m doing

Does anyone know a cure for sex addiction?
I’ve tried fucking everything

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.
I told them I could explain everything.

Two men are robbing a liquor store…
One says, ‘Is this whisky?’

‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky was wobbing a bank’

My doctor told me I have to give up half my sex life.
I asked which half, thinking about it or talking about it?

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn’t go very well.
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

I took viagra when I got to the office today.
I’m working hard now.

I opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time- I was shocked!!

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing the total distance travelled?”
Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.