@gary6043

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”The second nun answered, “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter.”I can handle that without a problem.” She replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.“We use beer for washing our hair “ the nun said, “a shampoo of sorts if you will.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said “The curlers are on the house.”

@MetalDogmatic

Asked an old guy at the bar: “what’s the best beer here?”
He said: “the third one”

@Unique2690

U.S. officials recently shared intel gathered of the Kremlin
They’ve warned Putin is willing to start World Special Military Operation I.

@deadshakadog

I never knew you drank until I saw you sober last night.

Used to be called a super deluxe wank.

A girl is talking to her guy friend: “I found condoms in my boyfriend’s jacket. We don’t use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??”

“Sure”, her guy friend replies.

“Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!”

“Oh”, he responded, “No. I thought you meant ‘do I lie to my girlfriend’!”

@nabilbhatiya/

What do you call someone who identifies a disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc

every morning

So one blood cell says “Good morning”
Other blood cell says “Hey, wanna go to the dick?”