@Mr.Gameboy

People: Relationships are built on trust.
Me: Oh really? Show me your text messages…

@Kitty

I always say thank you to Alexa so when the machines take over, they know I’m nice 😊

@Nutty squirrel

Getting fat wasn’t my intention. It happened by pure snaccident.

@NJ

‘Oh God! Plz save mee!’
– “As jpg or pdf?”

@Mo

How does mayonnaise laugh?

LMAYO.

@Adam95x

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole. Fair enough it was her sister’s but still…

@var_lock99

My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

@MO

The only time my wife will ever scream, “DEEPER. DEEPER…..”

…. is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

@MO

My grandad went to the doctors complaining about fluid on the knee.

The doctor told him, he wasn’t aiming straight.

@Nutty squirrel

Bartender: Sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.
–
A time traveler walks into a bar