@Asen

Barcelona came to Anfield 4 nothing..

@Lori

Teacher: Your daughter said the F word in class.

Me: Well…She didn’t fucking learn it from me.

@Jeep

The only advantage other people have over me is that they can kiss my ass and I can’t.

@Stevo

New scientific evidence has come to light that one beer takes nine minutes off your life.

According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845…

@Strype

I phoned a Chinese Restaurant last night and the man said, “harrow, I’m Wang Kin the Chef”

I said, “No worries mate, I’ll call back later!”

@Jokester

It’s not about how many times you fall. It’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work, sir.

@LordChirga

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks….Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

@TP delivery guy

Boss: You’re doing great! Keep doing what you’re doing.

Me: I wish I knew what I was doing.

@LORI

Me: Do you want me to look into your eyes when I stick it in my mouth?

Officer: Ma’am just blow into the breathalyzer please.

@Spoon

Alcohol: Post it, it’s fuckin hilarious.
Sobriety: WTF?…I’m never drinking again.