@ChrisNewton

Apparently having sex constantly helps the memory..

Happy Christmas everybody..

@noonespecial

I hate it someone says “Get a job doing what you love”.
Who is gonna pay me to chug Vodka and and act like an asshole all day!!

@gameboy

what if Noah made a website?
He would call it Waterbnb

@Even_Appointment_549

You always claim Germans don’t have humour,
but we have. It’s just like healthcare. Most Americans don’t get it.

@BenGossling

Yesterday I was diagnosed as a kleptomaniac
I’m taking something for it three times a day.

@girl_InTheSwing

My girlfriend said “Don’t talk about sex until we’re married”
Now we’re married she says “you can TALK about sex all you want..”

@AdeptLengthiness8886

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.
Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.

After so many years..

A guy asks his girlfriend for a blowjob.
She says “No, you won’t respect me enough to marry me and I love you.” After they’re married he asks her again, she says “Not yet, you won’t want to have children with a woman who you don’t respect.” So after they have children he asks her again, she says I’m still afraid you’ll lose respect for me, just wait.” So years go by, they’re grand parents now and he says “Look, I have proven my love and respect, you are my wife, you are the mother of my children, the grandmother to our grandchildren, I just want this little thing.” So that evening she makes his wish come true and gives him the blowjob he’s waited for so long for. Suddenly the phone rings, he gets up and answers it then covers the mouthpiece and says “Hey Cocksucker, it’s for you.”