Rushing for Black tomato gin

I’ve never run a marathon…
But I have walked across a parking lot really fast because the liquor store was about to close.

@Nutty squirrel

Something fun to do:
Go to a yard sale and secretly place a dildo in there and hang around to watch people’s reactions.

@supernurse

They say, “revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “revenge is a dish best served cold.”

I’ve come to realize revenge is probably ice cream.

@Spoon

I think my bathroom mirror is defective.
Every morning it’s out of focus.

@Marvin

I went skydiving and this guy straps himself to me, we jump out of the plane and as we plummet, he says to me, “So, how long have you been an instructor?”

@Nutty squirrel

Girl gonna text me “Come fuck me”, like I’m some kind of piece of meat.

First of all, I’m on my way….

@JOKESTER

During plane flights, I get really terrible earache!
This year I found a solution that’ll help….

I’ve booked my wife’s seat 10 rows back.

@Nutty squirrel

Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they’re telling me I’m doing a good job driving.

@MO

All porn films should start with 5 seconds of music, to remind me that my volume is turned up.

🔈🔉🔊

@Jeep

Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing to step in dogshit instead of walking around it.