@Man-chesthair-Re-United

My wife and I can’t decide where to eat so this time we’re going to her favorite restaurant and next time we’ll go to her other favorite restaurant

@Man-chesthair-Re-United

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly. It’s hard to believe 95% of us can’t do simple math.

@Man-chesthair-Re-United

pineapple goes on pizza just like tongues go into assholes.

it’s not for everybody, but those that enjoy it are a bit more sophisticated.

@Man-chesthair-Re-United

My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant.

@Man-chesthair-Re-United

You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol; therefore, you’d treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol… it’s science.

@Man-chesthair-Re-united

I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently… I have new ideas

@Man-chesthair-Re-united

Genie: You have 3 wishes.
me: I wish everyone who didn’t eat the crust on pizza would die.
Genie: Okay, that’s a pretty good wish. You still have 3 wishes, that one’s on me.

@MO

I just couldn’t sleep last night….
….because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

@Nutty squirrel

Debbie has 18 Snickers. She eats 4. She trades 8 for 10 Mars. She sells 6 of them and buys 3 Big Macs.
Why is she wearing leggings?

@supernurce

I am wonder woman. I wonder where I put my keys; I wonder what I did with my phone; I wonder where my money went.