I ate a small pizza, but it wasn’t enough, so I ate a bigger one, and then a bigger one…
They call it the dominoes effect.

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: “Why are you home so early?”  He replies, “I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away”  The wife asks confused: “And the potato peeler?” “She also got fired”

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.
Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, “you should pay your guys more!” The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, “they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that’s just not right!”.

Two behavioral psychologists have sex.

When they finish, one says to the other, “wow, you really enjoyed that! How was it for me?”

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

You know those movies when the guy pushes stuff off the table, thrusts a girl on it, and fucks her?
I just did that, but with a pizza..

Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.
Me: That’s why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

I’m devastated. I just had a look at my doctor’s notes and he’s written that after my accident, I’ll never be able to wank again.
Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole “doctors have bad handwriting” cliche. It’s meant to say walk. What a relief!