@maximumfunpriv

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.
That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

@AdamVasyl

Hubby: Babe, I had a wet dream about you last night.
Wife: Oh yeah? What was I wearing? Or not wearing?
Hubby: Well…it was a combination of rubber and metal.
Wife: Ooohhh….tell me more!
Hubby: You were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing!

@AdamVasyl

A man died and went to heaven. A few days later his wife died and she also went to heaven. She saw him there and ran to him with tears of joy in her eyes. He saw her running to him and immediately said “Whoa whoa whoa……the contract said till death do us part!”

@ChrisNewton

Apparently having sex constantly helps the memory..

Happy Christmas everybody..

@noonespecial

I hate it someone says “Get a job doing what you love”.
Who is gonna pay me to chug Vodka and and act like an asshole all day!!

@gameboy

what if Noah made a website?
He would call it Waterbnb

@Even_Appointment_549

You always claim Germans don’t have humour,
but we have. It’s just like healthcare. Most Americans don’t get it.

@BenGossling

Yesterday I was diagnosed as a kleptomaniac
I’m taking something for it three times a day.