My new year’s resolution for 2023
Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019


I know im early but i suffer from premature congratulation.


I went out for a few beers with my mates at lunchtime on Christmas Eve and didn’t get back until this afternoon…

When I arrived home my wife was really upset and screaming something about her Christmas being totally ruined…

Well it can’t have been me who ruined it for her, I wasn’t even there.


I bought a Russian advent calendar.
Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.


When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, it took my breath away?

I’ve never run so fast.


I still remember the day my mum and dad told me that Santa wasn’t real.

I was heart broken…

I jumped in my car and went straight to the pub.


“Well, thank god that’s all over and out of the way for another year”!….

Said the wife as I rolled off the top of her ☹️


What’s the difference between your cat and your wife?
One doesn’t care whether you live or die and refuses to eat anything you make, and the other one sleeps on the bed sometimes.