@mo

If you go to jail for tax evasion, aren’t you basically living off taxes, for not paying taxes?

@waka waka waka

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.

@Nutty Squerel

Husband: Wow honey, you look great today! Did you do something different with your hair?
Wife: Michael, I’m over here you fucking idiot!

@GrandmasBoyABH

Finally my winter fat is gone.
Now I have spring rolls.

@Marvin

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

@MO

I remember as I left home for the first time, my mom said, “Don’t forget to write.”

And I thought to myself, “It’s a basic skill. I won’t forget.”

📧✉📧

@Jeep

My boss just added Senior to my title and I’m not sure if it’s a promotion or a description.

@madazzahatter

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”

I responded, “How about now?”

@Nutty squerel

Doctor: I’ve found a new drug that will help with your sleeping problem.
Patient: Great! How often do I have to take it?
Doctor: Every two hours.

Why I use subtitles