I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store telephone numbers is doing nowdays ?

I have been nominated for a
“25 pushups a day for 25 days” challenge…
I blocked that person…

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
All men are bastards !!!

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said ‘This didn’t happen by accident’
I said ‘ if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer’ .

I was desperate and I couldn’t get a date with a girl to save my life until…
I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn’t expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places. I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so i asked what she did.

She said “I’m a Sunday school teacher.”

I said “Well, I Ain’t never been with a Christian woman before but I’m open minded about the whole affair.”

So we got in my Corvette and i was trying to impress her now. I headed to the fancyest place in town that didn’t take reservations. I asked her if she’d like to smoke a joint while we wait.

She said “Heavens no! What would i tell my sunday school children?” And I apologized.

I figure weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t, so i took a few puffs and then we got a table.

She ordered the lobster, I ordered the steak. I asked for the 2nd most expensive bottle of wine on the list, but when our waiter came to pour it, she declined saying “Heavens no! What would I tell my Sunday school children?”

I knew right then and there it was a bust. We ate our pricey meals. We talked and laughed. Had a great time at dinnet bur I drank that whole pricey bottle by myself thinking her Christ was one helluva cock blocker.

So I’m driving her home and we pass a cheap motel. I figure I’ve got nothing left to lose, so I say “Why don’t we get a room and fuck like bunnies?”

She says “I thought you’d never ask!”

I say “really? What will you tell your Sunday school children?”

She says, “The same thing I tell them every week…

YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!”

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole
Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

When my wife said she’d be with me until I was old and gray
I did not realize she meant 37

I was in a job interview.
The man asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.
“OK,” I replied. “I’m hired.”

Did you know

if you press the Clitoris and the G Spot at the same time, the vagina takes a screenshot and saves you in her memory forever