Jokes

When I die I want my internet search history to be read out at my funeral.
That way all my friends and family will go from being depressed too disgusted.

Teacher: “don’t get smart with me.”
Student: “with you teaching there is no chance of that.”

“This is the police open up!”
“NO!”
“Why not?”
“It’s really messy in here and I wasn’t expecting guests.”

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs…

A Porsche and his own house by the age of 20…

I walked into an explosive shop the other day and wanted to buy a grenade with my debit card.

It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my pin.

I knew my psychic was full of shit from the second she accepted my check.

I went to great effort to kill my wife recently, with a completely untraceable poison obtained from a plant that grows for just two weeks on the eastern side of a Peruvian mountain.Read More »scheme

Wife:”Don’t open that wardrobe! your birthday present is in there!”
Me:*opening the door*”Too late…this is the stupidest present ever!”

Me: “Why the fuck would I want a naked milkman?”

My wife cames home to find me watching the football game….
Wife: “you turn that game off and go and do the dishes!!
Me: *throwing down the remote control* “you listen to me, Im the head of household, I make the decision around here… Im going to do the laundry 1st then iron and finally the dishes!!!”

As my teenage neighbour put her jumper back on, I looked at her and said, “Please don’t tell anyone about this, they’d think I’m a fucking weirdo”
Read More »weird