Jokes

The people who complain about Mondays must not start drinking early enough.

Put in an official complaint at work the other day after finding someone had shit in my lunchbox, and they immediately launched an investigation.
Turned out to be my wife.

I just called in sick because I have a cold….

case if beer in my fridge.

He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santas got Facebook

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

girl: ok, you hang up.
boy: no,you hang up
girl: oh LOL, you hang up.
President Obama:
” Aww both of you hang up.

Whenever somebody says that something is “better than sex”, I always think “better than sex with you maybe”.

You can drown in 2 inches of water. I’m not stating facts, but I’m making suggestions.

Excuse me waiter, I’d like to return my food. It only received 10 likes on Instagram.