0

Wow, it’s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen

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so hard

Mom: “Shouldn’t you be cleaning your room?”
Me: “Shouldn’t you be in the Kitchen?”
I’ve never been hit so hard.

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always

I’m not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.

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Hello

I got sent out of class once at school. The teacher shouted at me, “what would your parents say if I called them?”
“Umm… Hello?”

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question

Seriously, what if the astroid that hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs was a UFO…….
……. and we’re the aliens……

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familiar

Is it just me or the words “Lawyer” and “Liar” sound a bit too familiar….??

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wtml

My wife said that I should use the term ‘make love’ instead of ‘fuck.’

What the make love is she talking about?

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Brain: I’m bored.
Heart: Me too. Let’s mess with this idiot.
Brain: Okay. You say one thing & I’ll say another.
Heart: Sounds like fun.

0

She got her good looks from her father – he’s a plastic surgeon.

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4D

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours