0

already

My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn’t believe him at first, but I went yesterday and I feel ten years older already.

0

on the phone

I heard your house was robbed last week. Are you okay? I heard the robber said you could give him your phone or a blowjob.

I see you are reading this on your phone.

0

difference

Im not saying you shouldnt trust the internet but there is a huge differance between the number of ipads I won and the number of ipads I own.

0

do you want?

I just bought a 3D Printer, who wants one?

I’ll print you one out.

0

matches

North Korea Decided Not To Firing Rockets…
No One Couldn’t Find The Matches…

0

movie

A drunk guy was with his girlfriend
in a cinema and suddenly, he fell
asleep.After a while, he woke up and started screaming ‘MY PENIS,MY PENIS, MY PENIS’! All the people in the cinema were surprised at the guys behaviour. He continued, ‘Where is my penis? Someone has cut my penis and my nuts! Oh God what have I done to deserve this?’ The embarrassed girlfriend said ‘shut up,you idiot! Your hand is in my panty’!.

0

caller id

the caller I.D. says “unavailable”
…then so am I

0

either

If money can’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.

0

she will tell you

“Dad…”
“What?”
“How do you know when you’ve met the right woman?”
“They tell you, son.”

0

love

Him: What are you up to?
Me: Looking at cakes.
Him: What’s the occasion?
Me: I love cake.