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birds and the bees

My father taught me about the birds and the bees.
Now I’m dating a blackbird that swallows.

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why pay taxes

why-taxes

when they can just print money?

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prank

My father-in-law is hilarious. He recorded the lotto numbers from a news broadcast the night before on DVR then picked a ticket containing those numbers for his wife. Seeing my mother-in-law brought to tears of joy and played that had was the greatest thing ever. Too bad they’re old people and didn’t record the shit.

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drunk guy

North Korea is like that angry drunk guy at a party. everyone is trying to calm him down but he’s convinced he needs to fight someone.

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lately

I said to my wife, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” She giggled and said, “No” I said, “Doesn’t that tell you something?”

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attention

Oh look, North Korea wants attention again.

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name

If Godzilla had a son, his name would be Jesuszilla.

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resolution

New Years Resolution:
-Date more models.
-(Revised) Date more girls.
-(Re-revised) Date a girl. -(Re-re-revised) Talk to a girl. -(Re-re-re-revised) Find a girl. -(Re-re-re-re-revised) Cry less while masturbating.

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A dick is like cement…Wet it, and it gets hard.

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home alone

I’ve been on vacation all week, with the house to myself. I think my penis just filled a restraining order against my hand.