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tip

Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges hate that.

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conclusion

How do we know that Cinderella was written by a women?

Because if it was written by a guy the prince would have fucked her till 12 then she would have turned into a pizza.

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home

I’ve never understood why guys go to strip clubs. If I wanted someone to flash their tits, come on to me, take my money, then refuse to fuck me I would go home to my wife.

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except

I just explained Google images to my mum.
‘Pick anything to search for’, I said. She replied ‘What about a nice cream pie?’.
‘Except that.’ I said.

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clinomania

Teacher: “Why were you absent yesterday? Were you sick?”
Me: “Yeah, i was sick with Clinomania.”
Teacher: ” Oh, okay. Excused.”
Clinomania:(n) excessive desire to stay in bed.

0

Wow, it’s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen

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so hard

Mom: “Shouldn’t you be cleaning your room?”
Me: “Shouldn’t you be in the Kitchen?”
I’ve never been hit so hard.

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always

I’m not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.

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Hello

I got sent out of class once at school. The teacher shouted at me, “what would your parents say if I called them?”
“Umm… Hello?”

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question

Seriously, what if the astroid that hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs was a UFO…….
……. and we’re the aliens……