Jokes

Charles came home at four in the morning and found his wife lying awake in the bed. “Where you until this hour of the morning?” She screamed.

Ignoring what she asked, Charles opened his bedroom closet and found a naked man cringing on the floor.

Chareles asked, “Who is this man?”

“Don’t change the subject!” replied his wife.

Little Johnny was doing math homework.
He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” Little Johnny answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mum.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” his mother asked “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughting, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

I walked in today and my wife slammed the laptop down on the table and said, “There’s pictures of naked women on the laptop, what have I told you about going on porn sites?”……

“I haven’t been on porn sites,” I replied, pointing at the screen. “Look, she’s laying on our sofa.”

little johnny’s parents went away for the weekend and left him at the neighbor’s house. when it was time for bed Mrs. Williams told him to sleep upstairs and share a bed with baby. He says, “no its fine I don’t wanna sleep with a baby, I’ll sleep on the couch downstairs.” The next morning a very sexy young girl comes downstairs and Johnny says, “who are you?!” she says, “I’m Baby. Who are you?” Johnny says, “A fucking idiot.”

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?
That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium…

Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges hate that.

How do we know that Cinderella was written by a women?

Because if it was written by a guy the prince would have fucked her till 12 then she would have turned into a pizza.

I’ve never understood why guys go to strip clubs. If I wanted someone to flash their tits, come on to me, take my money, then refuse to fuck me I would go home to my wife.

I just explained Google images to my mum.
‘Pick anything to search for’, I said. She replied ‘What about a nice cream pie?’.
‘Except that.’ I said.

Teacher: “Why were you absent yesterday? Were you sick?”
Me: “Yeah, i was sick with Clinomania.”
Teacher: ” Oh, okay. Excused.”
Clinomania:(n) excessive desire to stay in bed.