Jokes

A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, “I’m sorry but you can’t take animals into the theater.” The man looked sad and said “But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go. “Oh, I understand.? but if that is the case “you should not come in either.” The farmer sighed and said, “Well this time I will leave him in the truck!? So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies. About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out. The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, “Patsy, you?re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out.” Patsy turned to her friend and said, “Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we’ve seen plenty.” “Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!”

I don’t always tell my mother how much I love her.
but when I do, it’s not on facebook!!

I was getting ready to have sex with my girlfriend hazardous and she decided to put on some music I was confused on why the song she picked was welcome to the jungle by Guns N Roses
until she opens her legs then I understood #

My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window.”
He said, “We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window.”
I said, “You do now.”

Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house…

GIRLS put makeup, lots of creams , sexy perfumes & they make the best hairstyle EVER.

. . Finally guys look at them and say: . . “Man, look at her ass!”

I was over my blonde friend’s house and asked for her Wi-Fi password.
She replied, “Mickey Goofy Pluto Daisy Cinderella Shrek Donkey Fiona Washington D.C.”
When I asked why she had such a long password, she replied, “I was told it had to have at least eight characters and one capital.”

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.