You know those movies when the guy pushes stuff off the table, thrusts a girl on it, and fucks her? I just did that, but with a pizza..

October 19

Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

October 17

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead. Me: That’s why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

October 17

False alarm

I’m devastated. I just had a look at my doctor’s notes and he’s written that after my accident, I’ll never be able to wank again. Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole “doctors have bad handwriting” cliche. It’s meant to say walk. What a relief!

October 16

Friends are like boobs some are real some are fake

October 16

Give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you can sleep with his wife while he’s fishing.

October 14

Sex is like golf, Playing every hole is the goal.

October 13

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, […]

October 8

my mate asked “what’s the secret to your happy marriage?” I replied.. “Chemistry… I’m on valium and the hubby’s on Prozac”

October 7

Did you know, anti-vaxxers don’t last as long in bed? …especially if the bed is in a hospital.

October 7