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Jokes

  • Spoon

    If you think my jokes are bad,
    you should see the ones I don’t post.

  • Warning

    Give me your money or I’ll put you in jail!!

    -IRS?

  • Judas

    Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
    Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

    Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

    “Who is it?”

    “It’s Mark.”

    Jesus opens the door.

    “What did you bring Mark?”

    “Marijuana from Colombia.”

    “Very well son, come in.”

    Another soft knock is heard.

    “Who is it?”

    “It’s Matthew.”

    Jesus opens the door.

    “What did you bring Matthew?”

    “Cocaine from Bolivia.”

    “Very well son, come in.”

    At the next knock Jesus asks, “Who is it?”

    “It’s John.”

    Jesus opens the door.

    “What did you bring John?”

    “Crack from New York.”

    “Very well son, come in.”

    Someone starts pounding on the door.

    “Who is it?”

    “It’s Judas!”

    Jesus opens the door.

    “What did you bring Judas?”

    “FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!”

  • Player

  • Promises

  • Autocorrect

    I was going to add a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

  • Sorry pal

    Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa

    I had to explain to him that I’m married now so that’s where I sleep

  • Diffrence

    What’s the difference between Jesus and whore?

    Jesus says: take this bread, it is my body.

    A whore says: take this body, it is my bread.

  • Not only

    Ladies, we don’t only want your nudes
    We want your friend’s nudes too, please understand.

  • Wtf

    A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him.
    Long
    He decides because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty stewardess. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : ‘To Fly. To Serve’.

    The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: ‘Winning the hearts of the world’. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: ‘Going beyond expectations’. The woman looks at him sternly and says: ‘What the fuck do you want?’ ‘Ah!’ he says “Ryanair”.