Jokes

Shouting, constantly rearranging stuff and sweeping.

No wonder women are so good at curling!!

One of my biggest fears is that after I die I’ll get reincarnated as myself.

My wife is one of those people that can spot the humour in any given situation.

And quickly remove it.

We should place the elderly in prisons because they will get a shower everyday, video surveillance in case of problems, three meals a day, access to a library, computers, TVs, gym, doctors on-site, and free medication if needed.

Put criminals in nursing home and they will get cold meals, lights off at 7 p.m., two showers a week, live in a smaller room and pay rent at $4000 a month!
It’s pretty sad that we treat prisoners better than the elderly.

My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “Best way to clean cum off a keyboard?”

My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre.”

I said, “Why do you never take me to the strip club?”

I try to let my wife run things at home.
Like the dishwasher, hoover and lawnmower.

it’s my girlfriend’s fault I slept with all her friends…. she’s the one that told them I have a huge cock!!

Valentine’s Day is just a massive hassle bruh. I need to:

1. Remember to text my girlfriend a long lovey dovey message at the beginning of the day.
2. Remember to buy her a card on my lunch break. 3. Buy her some more crap after work before I meet her. 4. Take her to a fancy restaurant and pay for a pointlessly expensive meal. 5. Take her back to her place and make love to her gently and passionate, even though all I want to do is fuck the shit out of her. And heres the kicker, I have to do all this then drive home without my wife finding out.

I can’t believe I actually tricked a woman into sleeping with me.

All I had to do was buy her a ring and live with her for the rest of my life.