Jokes

My son came home from school the other day with a massive bIack eye…

I said, “Where the fùck did you get that from?”
“Billy had a plank of wood in his hand and hit me in the face!” He replied I said, “Well, why didn’t you have something in your hand son?” “I did… his girlfriend’s tits!”

Kid: God made the first man and woman right?
Pastor: Indeed
Kid: And they were naked in this garden, right?
Pastor: Well, yes Kid: And God watched them, right? Pastor: Naturally. Kid: So God invented porno, right? Pastor:…..

The ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.

The Internet is a funny place man. 1 minute you’re checking your e-mail, and next thing you know it’s 4 hours later, your pants are around your ankles and you’re deleting your browser history.

I’m sorry for getting so drunk on your birthday that people thought it was my birthday.

While my girlfriend was showering I took a sneaky look at her Internet browsing history. I was shocked to see her last search was, ‘how to enjoy sex with a boring guy with a small penis.’
The next thought that crossed my mind was, she must be cheating on me…
I fucking hope she’s cheating on me.

What do you call a bee in the US?

– USB

I went speed dating last night.
Halfway through the night I was surprised to sit down in front of my first love. We had a great time together in college, and she was gorgeous back then, but time has taken its toll. She’s now an ugly fucker, and it seemed she didn’t like  me either. There was no chemistry at all.
There were a couple of minutes of silence before I smiled and said, “Well, this is awkward…”
“It is, isn’t it?” she replied. “Is there anything you’d like to tell me?” I thought for a few seconds before saying, “maybe we should pick up something for the kids on the way home?”

I’ve noticed there is a shocking amount of sex on TV lately.
Especially when the wife goes out.

Two whiskey drinkers in a bar.
“I only drink whiskey at great moments.”
“And what do you call great moments?”
“The moments when I drink whiskey.”