Jokes

Someone just used my driveway to turn around. Now I’m standing outside with two open beers and a lonley face.

The doctor said I needed glasses..

I assume he meant glasses of alcohol because I feel so much better now.

A young boy went to a horse auction with his father.
He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” The boy, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mom.”

If you are happy and you know it, You probably forgot that tomorow is Monday

Eve: “I got an apple”
Adam: “…”
Eve: “what?”
Adam: “I thought we agreed on Android.”
Eve: “Well the serpent said this was better.”

I said to my wife, “Have I told you lately that I love you?”
She giggled and said, “No”
I said, “Doesn’t that tell you something?”

My girlfriend just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian.
It came as quite a shock……. I’ve only ever known her as Christine.

Sex is like video games, single player is good

But wait until you discover multiplayer.

I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore,

I’m moving the fridge into my room.

I don’t have a smartphone. I have a phone that shows potential, but doesn’t apply itself.