Fun jokes

If one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

“Religion is here, so the poor don’t murder the rich” Napoleon Bonaparte

ME: Baby do I look fat withthis costume? HIM: of course not hun, you’re the sexiest Orange ever!! ME: I’m a carrot -.-

As I sat there, twirling my hair in my fingers, I thought… I really need to shave my balls…

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’ Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’ ”Who?” Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

Some bloke accused me of trying to pick pocket him today. “You’re too slow for me” he laughed. “Now fuck off before I call the… Read More »with what

I like to think I learn from my mistakes. Last night is a perfect example. My kids showed me how to operate my new DVD… Read More »from my mistakes

When I undress in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

Me: “This is a heart touching moment” Her: “No, you have your hands on my boobs”

Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar? asked a suspicious wife. No, I can’t, the husband said. I distinctly remember taking my… Read More »remember