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Jokes

  • A rather bad man dies and meets Satan…

    A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice.”So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.”Of the three, this one looks best,” he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, “Ok, coffee break’s over, back on your heads!”

  • Its a good format

  • Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I immediately throw half of them in the trash.

    I don’t want unlucky people working in our department.

  • Not much, just Yoda praying for all of you guys too.

  • Trump: Hey Siri how many miles did I ran today?

    Siri: Ok, Sending missiles to Iran today.

  • The Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding… Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.Older Woman: Oh, I see.Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.Traffic Cop: …Don’t have one?Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.Older Woman: I can’t do that.Traffic Cop: Why not?

  • Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…

    He just kinda blew up

  • I made a quick drawing of a dark alleyway yesterday.

    It’s a very sketchy place.

  • A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

  • Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

    All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records.