Jokes

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now?

I was transferred to a new school last week. I hated being the new guy so I had to make a name for myself. I had to look for the biggest, baddest muthafucker at the school and knock him the fuck out. So at lunch I scanned the cafeteria and there in the back was my target. The star quarterback and home coming king. I walk up to him and said: “THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?!!” and before he could say anything, I swung and knock him out cold. He laid there drooling like a new born baby. The cafeteria was quiet. None of his friend came to his defense. From that day foward everyone knew not to mess with the school’s new principal!!

I was in my car driving back from work last night.
A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.
I said, “One minute, Im on the phone.”

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, its considered responsible; however, if you do that with your girlfriend it’s considered “cheating”.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed.

I faked everything to get her there.

Women have the ability to keep smiling even when they’re planning revenge.

So the interviewer asked “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

I responded “Do you see fortune teller on my fucking resume`?!? No you dont, dipshit!” Nailed that interview I think.

I get really fucking pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of personal questions.

So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday