Jokes

My girlfriend notices i play X-box a lot.One afternoon she came over when i was playing X-box and she said “its like your second girlfriend”.I looked her straight in the eye and said “YOU’RE THE SECOND GIRLFRIEND!!!”
and now im single.︶︿︶

“did I ever tell you you’re my hero?”
“sir…”
“you’re everything I wish I could be.”
“sir, I’m getting rained on, please just take your pizza.”

Ladies, if you really wanna scare a guy this year, don’t get a costume. Get a shirt that says “Ready for marriage” or “Size matters” …

Trust is the most important thing in any relationship..
Without 100% trust in a woman, how do you know she won’t tell your wife?

I just won an Academy Award for acting surprised when my credit card was declined.

The new iPad Air will make your wallet very lighter.

moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items

This Halloween I’m dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

“I’m leaving you” my wife screamed, ” You don’t lift a finger around this house.”
“And what about this?” I replied, waving remote control. “Does this thing change channels by itself?”

Do you believe in love at first sight ?
Because you might want to try losing some weight, if you want that shit to happen.