Jokes

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

I just walked up to a girl while she was chewing gum. I asked her if she could blow bubbles. she siad, “Who’s Bubbles?”

Just been caught playing with myself…..

Now everyone knows my cloning experiment worked!!

If I had a nickel for all the times I’m confused, I would be like, “Why do I have these nickels? What is going on? Why do I have more now?

They say that eating Subway is healthy, so I always eat some after I leave McDonald’s.

Apparently studying 3D geometry with 3D glasses on doesn’t help.

My wife said, “Honey, let’s do something different tonight.”

“What did you have in mind?” I asked.
“I want you to imagine I’m a slutty sexy eighteen-year-old girl who you’ve never met before, and you’re fucking me while your wife’s away,” she said. “I thought you said something different?” I replied.

I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me. That way I can ”like” it.

Friend:”You look pretty today!”
Me: “Umm..was I ugly yesterday?”

Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road. “What are they doing, Dad?” asks Johnny. “Well, the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket.” Little Johnny thinks, then says, “Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way to the Post Office.”