Jokes

Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for everyday you don’t go.

A man was being interviewed for a post of a commando in Army!
Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind , always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer instinct!!! So do you think you are eligible???

Man: Sir…. Can my wife apply?

In the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches. Which means we should still have a functioning government.

I call myself a ‘Guardian of the Galaxy.’

I’m a security guard at the Samsung store….

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
*wife phones*
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you

I decided to get rid of my vacuum cleaner today.

It was just collecting dust.

I’ve changed my name to Getov, so it sounds like girls are shouting my name during sex.

I can’t believe the government is reading my emails!
I don’t even read my emails.

A policeman stopped me today.

As I stepped out of the car he said, “Sir, what did the big sign say back there?”
“Children, Slow Down.” I replied. “So why didn’t you?” he asked. I said, “Because I’m 32.”

When you think about how huge the earth is, and how it’s just a fraction the size of the sun, which is just a speck of dust in the entire universe… it’s easy to rationalize eating an entire cake.