Jokes

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I’ve been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
“Well, you’d better hire someone who’s a bit old, fat and ugly,” she said, “I don’t want you choosing someone who you’re going to be tempted to have sex with.”
“That’s fair enough,” I replied, “When can you start?”

How men propose: “I love you more than life itself and I can’t see myself living without you. Will you make the happiest man in the world and MARRY ME?”
How women propose: “I’m Pregnant.”

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.
I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

*At school*
Teacher: Remember, the “f” in Physics stands for fun.
Me: But sir, there is no “f” in Physics
Teacher: Exactly.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress.
Great, now I have to worry about that too.

Going to How to Train Your Dragon tomorrow…
Or marriage counselling as the wife calls it.

wife : Tell me those three magical words..
husband : it’s my fault.

Wife says to husband, “You make love like you decorate.” Husband replies, “What very slow and professional?” “NO,”she replies, “I have to finish the job myself.”

When my girl tells me her friend’s a slut….
I take it as a hint

im at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life….as a matter of fact i put a mirror above my kitchen table last night!