Jokes

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
Cop: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.

I can’t believe I actually tricked a woman into sleeping with me.

All I had to do was buy her a ring and live with her for the rest of my life.

What’s the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? 
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast

If you ask Vanilla Ice’s mother about his childhood…..

She’ll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

When a woman is mad for whatever reason at a man and she remains quiet for long periods of time, beware that she is simply plotting with Satan on a way to get back at said man.

Most of the time Satan is telling her to have mercy.

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word.
I’ll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

My wife wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache…
I must have caught it from her last night when we didn’t have sex.

ME: I had a wet dream about you last night..
HIM: ooh what was it, do tell
ME: you got hit by a train, so I pissed myself laughing!

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him i was married now and that’s where i sleep.