Jokes

The bible is the longest set of Terms and Conditions ever.
So many people agree with it without knowing why.

The Spice Girls showed us that women even when given the opportunity to tell us exactly what they want, what they really really want, will still say complete nonsense.

I have a confession to make, years ago I had a sex change, I went from having a lot of sex to having none…
it was called marriage.

“If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job,” said my 35 year old wife as I was checking my ticket yesterday.
“Well, actually, the first thing I’m going to buy is a reconditioned engine and a new paint job for my car,” I replied.
“Why would you waste your money fixing that old thing up, you might as well get you a new one,” she laughed. “My point exactly.”

Be wary if your girlfriend has a ‘”special romantic night” planned. You’ll burn yourself on at least one of the 30 odd fucking candles and be picking rose thorns from your arse for days.

A recent test showed that the average man burns off 125 calories after having sex for an hour…
If he was having sex for an hour he is not an average man.

“Mother! Don’t be so vulgar! I wasn’t “masturbatìng”. I was tentatively massaging the limb perpendicular to my torso while two appealing Homo sapiens of the female variety were physically engorging themselves on each others passion.”

I knew that english degree was good for something

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.
Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven’t deleted the internet history.

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

The only time I use the word “selfie”
is when I am describing my sex life.