Jokes

Take good care of your ass
It’s your only body part that gives a shit.

As I get older I think about all the people I’ve lost along the way
Maybe being a tour guide wasn’t for me

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

I don’t know why my fishing buddy is afraid of coronavirus…he never catches anything.

When asked to wear a mask, a staunch conservative woman refuses and says “God will protect me from COVID”.

When asked to practice social distancing she refuses and says “God will protect me from COVID”.

When asked to get vaccinated, she refuses and says “God will protect me from COVID”.

Upon contracting COVID and dying, she meets God and asks him, “God, why did you not protect me from COVID?”

To which God replies “What do you mean? I sent you masks, safety guidelines and a vaccine.”

Driving down the road today.
I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying:
“I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal.”
Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists are on the roads.

I like my women like I like my coffee

I’ve never had one, but they smell really nice

Jeff Bezos was in space for longer than the amount of time Amazon Warehouse employees are allowed to spend in the restroom.

Dentist: “This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?”

Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: “Yes, ready.”

Dentist: “That will be $700 please.”