Jokes

As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife.
I said “Listen Susan, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I’ll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don’t expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy.”
“Stay strong?” my wife snapped, “You’re only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket, you fucking prick!”

Whilst travelling to work on the train this morning I noticed this really fit bird that I couldn’t take my eyes off. She saw me looking and smiled back.
I thought, “Wow, I’m in here.”
For the next ten minutes we continued to smile at each other and gaze into each other’s eyes. As the train pulled into the next station, she looked like she was about to get off. I decided to make my move and got out of my seat to ask for her number. She rose towards me and, without even asking, she passed me a bit of paper with her number already written on it. As she pressed it into my hand she kissed me gently on the lips and whispered in my ear, “Please call me.”
The train doors soon opened and she disappeared with the departing crowd. I returned back to my seat, feeling giddy and light headed with what had just happened, until I felt a smack on the side on the head and the wife shouted, “What the fuck you doing?”

If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime TV, I’m going to say:

Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!!
Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!! Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt, fuck!! Cuuunt, shit, fuuuuck!!!! That way, when they beep it out, it’ll spell ‘fuck’ in morse code.

The wife  just told me that if I’m a good boy and eat all my dinner, she’s going to take me upstairs and fuck my brains out.
It’s amazing how quickly you can lose your appetite.

According to the bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.
Anyone think that we could be following the wrong guy?

A note to all the strippers out there.
Bambi was a boy.

” how old are you?” I asked my husband’s mistress.
” 20, I will be 21 in a few days!”
” Yeah we’ll see ” I smiled

Lady: Houston! We have a problem!
NASA: What’s the problem Captain? Lady: Never mind. It’s nothing. NASA: I repeat, what’s the problem? Lady: Nothing everything is fine! NASA: Captain, we have to know. Lady: You know what the problem is!?!? NASA: We need you to tell us Captain! Lady: If you cared, you wouldn’t need to ask! NASA: I repeat, what’s your status, Captain? Lady: Just drop it! You wouldn’t understand!

I’ve just seen a massive rat in Pizza Hut.

He was picking up an order for the Ninja Turtles.

I’m not particularly bad at cooking, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?