Jokes

wine is like a laxative for feelings

If someone needs to watch a flight attendant demonstrate how to fasten a seatbelt, is their life really worth saving?

Did you know:
The average woman spends a year of her life deciding what to where.

“Do you accept cards as payment?” I asked the lad in the takeaway.
“Of course, Sir”, he replied, smiling.
“Great”, I replied, “this one is an old birthday card.”

Wife:dear,this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband:its a computer not a husband……!!!

Man: You look pretty today.
Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn’t it? You think I’m fat.

I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday but then Friday is so close to monday.

I’m going to a gay bar tonight. I’m not gay.  I just wanna be in a bar where I can boast that I have fucked more women than anyone else there.

Having sex without taking your clothes off is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

Do I regret is? Yes.
Would I do it again? Probably.
– A summary of most of my decisions.