Jokes

We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we’re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

If you have to drink more than 3 cups of coffee in the morning, maybe you should switch to cocaine.

I seem to have two modes:
Sleep is for the weak, and then sleep for a week.

Me: Officer before you arrest me, can I use this get out of jail card?
GF: This is why we don’t role play.

It was my son’s birthday
yesterday.
I said to him last night,
“Blow out the candles and make a wish.” He said, “I wish you got me a cake.”

If someone doesn’t call back after 2-3 calls, chances are they’re just not that into you.
I wish these debt collectors would understand that.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his three previous funerals he personally wants to see the bastard go in the ground this time.

“So you’re telling me you carry a customer’s groceries to their car free of charge?” I asked the bag boy at the supermarket this morning.

“Yes.” he replied.
Shocked by this, I asked “Can you carry mine for me?” “Sure.” he replied As we walked across the entire distance of the parking lot, I finally stopped beside my car and said, “Wow! I still can’t believe you walked my groceries all the this way for free. I would have never done that man. I’m a lazy bastard.” “I gathered that.” he replied, “Now here’s your Kit-Kat sir.”

My wife said I could do whatever I liked on my birthday.

So I’m flying to Brazil to start a new life.

If I ever won the lottery, I would still go back to work….

And tell them all to GO FUCK THEMSELVES.