Jokes

As I picked up the largest cucumber in the supermarket a man also went to grab for it. “Oh, I bet you know why I want the biggest one,” I playfully winked at him. “Why don’t you come back to my place and find out what I will be using it for?” 

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My wife told me women were better at multi tasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what, she couldn’t do either.

There’s a story they tell of two dogs.Both at different times walk into the same room.one comes out wagging his tail while the other comes out growling.A woman watching this goes into the room to see what could possibly make one dog so happy and the other so mad.To her surprise she finds a room filled with mirrors.
The happy dog found a thousand happy dogs looking back at him while the angry dog saw only angry dogs growling back at him.
What you see in the world around you is a reflection of who you are.

Do you need glasses?
□ Yes
□ No
      
           ✔

My wife left me because of my obsession with The Beatles.

It’s been a hard day’s night.

I’m not left handed, I just like to play life on Hardcore.

I watched a directors cut of a porn film last night.

At the end of the film, he actually fixed the washing machine.

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now, so yesterday we went to an OBGYN’s office, to make sure we’re doing everything correctly. When we arrived at the clinic, they told us to go see Dr. Henderson in room 162. I knocked on the door and a woman opened it. I said, “Are you the lady who gives advice on how to get pregnant?”

She said, “Yes, come inside…” and then shut the door in my face.

To do list:
1) Go to pet store.
2) Buy bird seed.
3) Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow.

Sometimes I think that divorce would be easier than putting together the furniture my wife bought at IKEA.