Jokes

Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian “Where can I find a book on female orgasms?”

The librarian points him towards shelf G and says “That’s the spot”

~To make it stand, you wet it.~
~To make it wet, you suck it.~
~To make it stiff, you lick it.~
~To get it in, you push it.~ DAMN….. threading a needle is NO JOKE!!

I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex, instead of police officers.

I don’t know what’s happening in this country. You’ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It’s a nightmare – you don’t know whether to carry candy or money.

I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex.

It’s the quickest way to deflate her.

A little boy was doing his Math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…
His mother heard what he was saying and gasp, What are you doing ?
The little boy answered, I’m doing my math homework, Mom.
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it ? Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math ? The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition. The mother asked, and are you teaching them to say two plus two that son of a bitch is four ? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Fred: “Why are you so upset? ”
Harry: “My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning. ”
Fred: “So what? ”
Harry: “So she said to him, ‘Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I’ve been telling you about’. “

War is when the government tells you who the enemy is.
Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

HIM:”What do I need to buy for you to make me some guacamole?”

ME:”A wedding ring.”