Jokes

A man wakes up in a hospital bed…

The nurse says, I have some bad news. You won’t be able to feel anything from the waist down.”

The man says, “Can I feel your boobs then?”

☠?☠

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching porn and you think to yourself “That bed looks really comfortable…”

I thiink that anal sex should be reserved for marriage only because marriage is a prison.

The wife rang me at the pub giggling, “The kids are at mums, I’ve got a bottle of Chardonnay, and I’m in my sexy new negligee in front of the fire with some strawberries and cream. So what are you gonna do about it big boy”?

So I said, “What sort of wine was it again?

A man with a stutter died in prison today…..

He didn’t even finish his sentence.

☠?☠

What starts with an ‘O’ ends with an ‘ions’ and sometimes makes you cry?

Opinions.

???

I saw my Ex wife yesterday, she was at the other end of the Museum from me.
I would have said hello, but there was to much History between us.

Me: sometimes I talk to myself

Me: OMG, same

Probiotics are good for you, but they’re still not sure about the benefits of amateur biotics.

I went on a blind date with a woman, whose online profile said she had a “infectious smile.”

She was fu***ng suffering from Herpes.

???