Jokes

The pope is very ill, and nobody can cure him. The cardinals call in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination, he comes up with a solution.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The pope has a rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured…..with sex.”
The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope.
“I’ll agree to it,” says the pope. “But under four conditions.” The cardinals are shocked, “What are the four conditions?” asks one. “First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.” After a long pause, a cardinal asks, “And what’s the fourth condition?” “Big tits!”

A man died and went to heaven..God was surprised to see his heart was still beating.. God asked him, how come??The man replied ; I’m dead but my wife still lives in my heart.. The man was sent to Hell for over acting..

Men shouldn’t feel bad if they only last 8 minutes doing doggy style…
I mean, that’s almost an hour in dog time.

Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

I finally shifted 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas…..the mother in law went home this morning

Her: I can’t believe you would talk to that other woman right in front of me like that! I saaaaaw the way you looked at her! I bet she’s an ex or something, isn’t she?! You’re probably still screwing her, aren’t you?! Tell me the TRUTH!

Him: You know what? You’re right. From now on I will refrain from ever ordering any food, ever again, in any restaurant. WHAT… was I thinking?

I’ve just decided that my 2014 New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.

Two year old son spits water on floor.
Wife: we don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth, you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut the fuck up!

This girl was chatting me up at the pub.
“So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”
“I’m a boxer,” I said proudly.
“Oh, lovely!” she winked. “I like sleeping with real men.” Funny how she could be so impressed that I work for Amazon.

Son: Where are my sunglasses?
Dad: I don’t know… where are my dadglasses?