Jokes

Everyone is talking about the Corona virus like it’s going to be the plague of the century. I’m not worried about it lasting too long. it was made in China.

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

Life gave me onions.
Onionade sucks.

You know it’s time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

A tornado has been referred to as a finger of GOD…

Suddenly the heavens open up…

“THIS IS GOD SPEAKING, THAT IS NOT MY FINGER.”

We accidentally shot down that airliner and killed all 176 people onboard.
-Iran

But you should let us have nuclear weapons.
-also Iran

Gwyneth Paltrow has gotten into the candle business, one of her scents is called “This Smells Like My Vagina”.
I’m guessing that the candles are slightly used?

i saw a sign in the hospital this morning that read ‘family planning – use the rear entrance’
thats damn good advice, i thought!

I was showing my grandpa what YouTube was and he said that he couldn’t imagine what his childhood would’ve been like if he had that, I didn’t have the heart to show him PornHub.

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently. “Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?” Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!” “Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.” Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?” “The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”