Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently. “Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?” Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!” “Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.” Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?” “The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”

My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with.Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to pick two of them.

May 14

Read More

I got caught masturbating to an optical illusionI said “it’s not what it looks like”

May 14

Read More

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe!

March 21

Read More

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

March 19

Read More

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad. Until mom found out and hid the urn.

March 9

Read More

I went for a tattoo.

I told the tattooist that I wanted a tattoo of an Indian on my back. Half way through I said “put a tomahawk in his right hand.” “Tomahawk.?” “I have just finished his turban.”

March 9

Read More

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

March 1

Read More

Why do Welsh people immediately fall asleep when you ask them how many sexual partners they’ve had? Because it’s well known that counting sheep helps you nod off more quickly.

March 1

Read More

Doctor: If you want to lose some weight, quit eating fatty.Me: Like fatty foods?  chips and dip?Doctor: NO, quit eating Fatty!!!

March 1

Read More

I had a dream! I dreamed that in 2021 there’s a new viral gastroenteritis: COSHIT. We all go around in diapers, and remember the 2020 masks with a pale, romantic sadness!

October 8

Read More