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A Pig had insomnia and decided to see a Doctor
Pig: Doctor, I’ve been having these terrible nightmares and I can’t sleep. Can you prescribe me some sleeping pills?Doctor: Can you describe your nightmares to me?Pig: They are all almost the same. First a man lures me with food, then he kills me and cuts me into pieces. Then he rubs salt all over my flesh while saying the same scary words over and over again… “bacon mm… bacon mm…”. Please help me doctor!Doctor: Oh don’t worry about it, no need for sleeping pills, looks like you’re going to be cured soon
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Did you hear about the boxer who wrapped his tighty-whities around his shoes?
He went through his whole career undie-feeted.
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When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia
It was music to my arse
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Did you hear they finally revealed Yoda’s surname on that new Star Wars show??
I can’t believe it’s Layheehoo
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Q: Why don’t Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
A: They give them gas.
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Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: “Do all three of you want beer?”The first one said: “I don’t know.”The second also said: “I don’t know.”The third one said: “Yes.”
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Someone stole the tires off all the police cars.
The cops are working on it tirelessly.
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In which form would the enormous poet always write his poems?
In Iambig Pentameter
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Just Post Malone things
Q: What did Post Malone eat for breakfast? A: Toast MaloneQ: What did Post Malone spray on before he left the house? A: Post CologneQ: what do you call it when Post Malone invites you to his house? A: Host MaloneQ: what do you call post-pubertal post Malone? A: Post HormonesQ: what do you call an argument with Post Malone? A: Oppose MaloneQ: what do you call someone who is close to becoming like Post Malone? A: almost MaloneQ: what did post Malone dress as for Halloween? A: Ghost Malone
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Today I asked the hot girl at the gym what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said “Fuck You…”…So, I’m pretty excited about 2020.
Jokes
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