Jokes

An elderly man went in to see his doctor.
The doctor asked “What brings you in today?” The elderly man responds “My sex life is too high”. Obviously taken aback the doctor responds “What do you mean too high.” The elderly man said “It’s all up in my head and I want it down here. (Gesturing down)”

One thing my dad told me, he said, “Son, never explain yourself to anyone.”

He never did tell me why.

Women get mad for 5 reasons:
1.) For everything.
2.) For nothing.
3.) Because yes.
4.) Because no.
5.) Just in case.

My wife and I started role playing in the bedroom. Her favourite is, “Sexy Librarian”, where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?
Have you tried turning them off, then on again?

Weird. Missionary’s what I call it when I don’t let him come inside.

Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home, one says to the other, go up to my house for the last drink…
They enter the house, the owner of the house asks his friend not to make noise, so as not to wake his wife, and goes to the kitchen to get beers.
Meanwhile, the friend left alone, hears noises coming from the bedroom, looks out and takes a peek into the bedroom, sees his friend’s wife in bed with a man!
The homeowner comes back and the friend tells him, hey! There is another man in the bedroom with your wife! And the owner of the house: “Shut up! Talk quietly, I only have two beers!

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if the brother is telling the truth, he would write in black ink, if he is lying, he would write in red ink.
A few months later, the older brother sends a letter back. The letter is in black ink.
“My brother, everything we hear in the West is a lie. Soviet Russia is a great country, everyone is free and happy. The foods are abundant and everything is great. They have everything here, there is no shortage of anything. However, unfortunately, i havent been able to find any red ink.”

Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?”

Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, “Vladimir Putin…

dead.”